"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful servants." Psalm 116:15
My mother-in-law died.
I still can’t believe it, even almost three months later.
I hate saying it, using her name in the past tense, associating it with terms like “passed away” or “obituary”.
This wasn’t the miracle we all believed for. This wasn’t the answered prayer we wanted.
Yet, I keep reminding myself that the Lord allowed this. It wasn’t what we wanted or expected, but it’s what God chose to do. Losing my mother-in-law was somehow a part of God’s plan.
Faith Amidst Grief
My husband and sister-in-law spoke at the funeral, reminiscing about special moments with their mom, describing how her influence molded them into the adults they’ve become and what her relationship has meant to them.
When my husband spoke, he mentioned the value of her faith in Christ. She lived a life devoted to Jesus, and throughout her cancer diagnosis, she believed for a miracle. My husband said that not having faith during this time would dishonor her memory. We must continue to trust God and believe in His will because that’s what my mother-in-law would’ve done.
This has been far from easy for me to practice.
As I continue to mourn the loss of my mother-in-law, replaying the hours, days, weeks, and months leading up to her passing, I can’t help but feel disappointed in and let down by God. Why did He let this happen? My mother-in-law loved her family and committed her life to following Jesus. People all over the country believed for a miraculous healing. She still had so much more life left to live with us. Why was this God’s answer to our prayers?
As I fight feelings of anger and resentment toward God, this thought continues to swirl in my mind: God did do a miracle—He healed her by taking her to heaven, and that’s the hope of every Christian, to live in paradise with Jesus for all eternity.
I know my mother-in-law isn’t in pain anymore. She can breathe with ease, not worrying about medications, oxygen, or chemo. She’s now at peace, basking in the joy of being with her Savior. Yet selfishly, I want her here with us. I want her to be a part of our memories yet to come. Not having her here isn’t fair.
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief." Psalm 31:9
Faith & Grief are Both a Process
When I sit in the grief of missing my mother-in-law, sometimes I get mad at myself for still believing in God. How can I trust Him after all this?
Before my mother-in-law died, I kept wondering how God was in the midst of this situation. Was He really with us? My soul cried prayers that my lips couldn’t utter, desperate to know that God was in control and would intervene. Moments after she passed, I checked the time and the clock read 3:33 am. The triple threes intrigued me, so I googled the number. Lo and behold, I discovered that 333 is considered an “angel number,” signifying a divine presence of love and protection.
The significance of numbers, dates, and names has always interested me. When I realized the symbolism of 333, I felt like that was God’s nod to me, reassuring me that He was in our midst. Even though I can’t wrap my head around the whys of His decision, somehow I know in my heart that it was God’s plan. He fulfilled His will for my mother-in-law to be healed—even if it wasn’t how we all wished it would’ve happened.
As I feel through my grief and wrestle with my faith, I know God has the patience for me to accept this new reality. Nothing will ever fill the void of missing my mother-in-law, but I know that as I move forward and honor her memory, I’ll figure out how to trust God again. Even though I don’t want to have faith right now, I still do, and I think maybe that’s because of her. Maybe I am following my husband’s advice and holding onto my faith, just as my mother-in-law always did.
Moving Forward
I’ve never felt a loss like this one nor the weight of such grief. I hate that every future memory will be bittersweet without her. But I keep reminding myself of this: we can be happy because she would be happy. My mother-in-law loved to see her family happy—spending time with them, hearing about the things they loved, buying them trinkets that reminded her of them, and praying for their needs and desires.
Even though there will forever be an emptiness in our family, we can go on living, loving, and making special memories because that’s what she would want. We can move forward by making choices that honor her legacy and remembering how her love and faith influenced our lives. In everything we do, we will share her story and be the light that she always was to this world. Because of my mother-in-law, we will find happiness in every moment and every blessing; that’s what she would’ve wanted.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
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